Studies suggest one of the leading causes of infidelity in relationships is boredom. Boredom in a relationship is like a wound. And if left untreated, this wound can fester and damage a relationship beyond repair. So, what to do when your marriage is boring? Is there a cure? Fortunately, yes. But first, let’s delve deeper into the reasons as to why one becomes bored in marriage?
Why Am I Bored In My Marriage?
The initial few years of marriage are amazing. You are getting to know each other. Learning new things about each other. Discovering your partner’s quirks and figuring out what makes them tick, is the beauty of wedded bliss. Even when apart, you think of them and blush, or giggle remembering that moment they collided into a wall while staring at you. It is sweet, fresh, and intoxicating. As the days pass, the novelty of the relationship slowly begins to fade. You settle into a routine and are even able to predict to a certain level how a person will react to certain things and what their triggers are. And now, their quirks don’t feel too quirky anymore. To be honest, things start to seem annoying. And in all this, life happens. Stress from work, family, kids, begin to take hold. You start prioritizing other aspects of your life rather than your partner. And the little things you did for each other, stop altogether. Before you know it, you start to feel as if you are stuck in this mundane rut of a boring married life. So, if one fine day you’re suddenly struck with the thought “my marriage is boring”, believe me, you are not the only one to have had this thought. Monotony is one of the reasons for the rise of problems in a marriage. When, day after day you go through the same mundane cycle of activities, existing from one day to the other, you are bound to get fed up. Marriage is one of the few things in life that tends to require more focus and attention with time. For a marriage to work, both the partners need to put in an effort. It is possible that you might think everything is going perfectly fine, but your partner feels otherwise. In such cases, one needs to keep an open mind and lookout for signs of boredom in marriage.
Signs Of Boredom In Marriage
When you are in a long-term relationship, it is but natural to settle down to a comfortable routine. While this stability does feel amazing, there might come a time, when things might become a little stale which might end up making you feel a little restless. If you ever find yourself wondering “Am I bored in my marriage?”, then here are some signs that might help you answer the question.
1. Always fighting
Every relationship has disagreements and it is normal that sometimes these disagreements can turn into full-fledged fights. No matter how considerate we are and how hard we try to discuss matters instead of turning them into arguments, it is virtually impossible to be mindful all the time. However, when the frequency of these fights is too much, to a point where you notice you are fighting almost every day with your partner, it’s a sign of a boring married life and these arguments can spell doom for your relationship. Relationships need a lot of commitment and sometimes they might begin to feel a little restrictive. This can frustrate a person. The build-up of this negative feeling can make a person snap at the smallest instances over the smallest issues.
2. Sign my marriage is boring: The silence
Stella was observing the couple at the other table at the diner. She noticed that throughout the meal the couple barely spoke to each other, one looked out the window the other one was scrolling through her phone. At that time, she made Brian promise that they would not become that boring couple that had run out of things to say. Unfortunately, 6 years into her marriage Stella found herself in the same position. Sitting at the far end of the diner with her husband. And throughout the meal her husband scrolled through his phone. Barely spoke a word except for the one time when he asked her to pass the salt. Silences can be beautiful. You know you are comfortable with someone when you don’t have the urge to fill in the silences with words or activities. To be able to enjoy a person’s presence in silence without it becoming awkward is a milestone in a relationship. So, if silence is so golden, then why does it say I am bored in my marriage? It is but natural that you run out of stories to tell your partner and it is normal not having anything to talk about occasionally. But when these silences extend over days; when you don’t even feel the need to talk about your day or you don’t talk to your partner because they won’t understand or you feel the conversation will be repetitive, so it’s pointless to talk at all, that’s when you know your relationship is in dangerous waters and it’s time to find a way to beat the boredom in marriage.
3. If you’re bored in a marriage, the bedroom goes cold too
The first few months into marriage things are quite exciting in the bedroom. You can’t have enough of each other and can barely keep your hands to yourself. You are exploring each other and the sexual tension is so much you can cut through it with a knife. Over time this urgent need to be with your partner subsides. And takes a less volatile aspect of intimacy which is very important in a relationship. But, when weeks go by and there is no action in the bedroom or sex just becomes a duty you must quickly be done with or if every sexual encounter turns into a quickie, then you are not wrong in thinking, “My marriage is boring.” What goes on in the bedroom will give you a glimpse of what a person is feeling.
4. You can’t be bothered to try
To make a relationship work, both the parties involved must put in an effort. And marriage is no exception to this rule. In the beginning, you do your best to sort things out between yourselves. You communicate and express how you feel. You go out of your way to be the best version of yourself. You give the relationship your best. However, it is not possible to always be mindful and a couple might get too comfortable in the relationship and to try to keep the spark alive and start taking your spouse for granted. You stop spending quality time with each other or when in a fight you go to sleep angry instead of sitting down and resolving it. When you are bored in marriage you stop doing the little things that used to make your partner happy, because now it feels more like a chore.
5. You get restless when bored in a marriage
One of the most obvious signs of boredom in marriage is the feeling of restlessness in your relationship. If you are beginning to have thoughts about cheating or look for ways to get away from your spouse and hang out with that very attractive co-worker, then it’s time for a little self-introspection and asks yourself if you are experiencing boredom in a relationship. Wondering how to beat boredom, you might start looking for excitement outside the relationship. Frequent boys’/girls’ nights out or working late every day are your ways of escaping the question “Why am I bored in my marriage?” The fact of the matter is boredom in marriage is a sad but very common occurrence in a lot of marriages. And we in our small ways try to battle it out. But the truth is unless we get to the bottom of “why am I bored in my marriage?”, and “how can we fix this strained relationship?”, we can’t really get rid of the boredom. And all the things we try to do will just act as a band-aid, hiding the problem temporarily instead of eliminating the problem. So, if you are wondering how to beat boredom, here are a few tips that will help.
10 Ways To Overcome Boredom In Your Marriage
The beauty of marriage is the level of comfort and familiarity it garners. To know you will be loved is irrelevant to the fact that you haven’t shaved your legs for a while. But, when this level of comfort is taken for granted that’s when the problems begin. There is a very thin line that distinguishes being comfortable from being bored. When a person is comfortable, they are happy with what they have and they don’t want to change it. However, when a person is facing boredom in a relationship, he is itching for something new and exciting. If you get the feeling that your relationship is in a rut, here are some things you can do about it.
1. How to beat boredom? Change your perspective
It is vital to understand that human beings are designed in such a way that they are never completely satisfied with what they have. That no matter the relationship, there will always come a point, where you will feel the relationship has gotten stale. And that the way forward is never around it, but through it. Marriage is a two-way street and both of you need to put in the effort to make a relationship work, stoking the embers before the fire completely dies out. Your relationship has love, security, and comfort, things to be treasured and held on to. The bond you share with your partner is beautiful and deserves to be cherished and preserved.
2. Don’t compare your relationship
No relationship is perfect. Looking at other couples you might feel their marriages are better than your own. Remember, the grass always seems greener on the other side. Yes, Matt and Lucy do hold hands and walk even after 30 years of marriage and it seems so romantic. But you see Lucy suffers from dementia and if Matt were to let go of her hand, chances are she would get lost in the crowd. And the reason Dom takes Mary everywhere is that he has trust issues and is worried that Mary is cheating on him, so he has a dire need to keep an eye on her. What you see is not always the real story. Every relationship is different with its own set of problems. It’s pointless to compare yours to theirs.
3. Work on yourself
The biggest mistake one makes in any relationship is holding their partner responsible for their own happiness. I know, when you love someone, you put their needs above yours. And that is completely fine at a certain level. But when your dreams and desires are constantly taking a back seat, you feel unheard and unappreciated. These issues give rise to resentment which, in turn, harms the relationship in the long run. You are a part of this marriage too, a very important part. If you are not happy, then you cannot make anyone else happy either. Self-love is extremely important. Work on yourself and grow if you feel you are leading a boring married life. Be the change.
4. Go on dates to kill boredom in marriage
I know, I know, the epitome of clichés. But here’s the thing, there is a reason why this is a cliché. When I say go on dates, I don’t mean going over the top doing things with grand gestures or an evening in Paris in a private jet (though if you can do that, then we definitely won’t complain). Instead, I mean spending quality time together, just the two of you. It could be meeting up for coffee while taking a break from work. Or even dinner at a nice restaurant. You can even plan a date at home when the kids are at a sleepover. Bring out the best china, wear something nice, use that cologne, and order in (it’s terrible to expect someone to cook on date night). The idea is to take the time out to be with each other. Just time to look into each other’s eyes sans the kids having a meltdown over not being able to watch their favorite cartoon. It is the little things that matter. To see your partner make that kind of an effort in the relationship for you is heartwarming and takes a lot of the resentment and boredom in a relationship out of the equation.
5. Add spice to the bedroom
Sexual boredom haunts most couples at some point in their marriage. Over a period of time, people fall into set sexual patterns and these tried-and-tested moves bring stagnation into the act itself. Making it less pleasurable to a point it begins to feel like a chore, instead of an act of intimacy. If you have begun wondering, “What to do when my marriage is boring?”, shuffling things up in the bedroom will help immensely. Talk to your partner, discuss new ways to pleasure each other, talk about fantasies, try out sex games or role-playing. There are a plethora of things you can do to bring joy and excitement back in your boring married life.
6. Do or learn something new together
Chris loved how independent Penny was as a person. She never fretted over little details. Boys’ nights were never a problem and she didn’t want to tag along every time he set foot out of the house. All his friends were envious of how cool a wife he had. They lead separate lives and he was very happy about it. Recently, however, they started having too many conflicts and for some reason, he couldn’t get through to her. As days passed, the relationship began to feel more strained. Until one day after a lot of introspection, he realized he didn’t know anything about his wife anymore. What was her favorite hangout place, who was her closest friend! Nothing. Chris realized they had been drifting apart in their marriage for the longest time. And it was time to fix things. After a lot of discussions and back and forth, Chris and Penny decided to learn the tango. Laughing over each other’s clumsiness in the process of learning the sensual dance moves, the rhythm of the song, the sound of the music, they began to bond with each other. And before you knew it, the spark was back in their marriage.
7. Make a life outside of your marriage
If it is important to spend time with your partner, then it is equally important to give your partner space. Couples who are joined at the hip at the beginning of their marriage, start to feel bored in marriage quite soon as well. Like Geoffrey Chaucer said, “familiarity breeds contempt”. While constantly being together sounds and looks very romantic, it is also very important to have one’s own set of friends and hobbies. Your marriage is a very important part of you, but it is not your sole identity. If you wish to prevent boredom in marriage, then it is best if you grow in all aspects of your life and not just your marriage. It keeps the spark alive.
8. Figure out each other’s love language
‘Love language’ is the way one expresses love. There are 5 different love languages and it differs from person to person. When two people with different love languages are married to each other, their feelings of affection get lost in translation. So, it comes as no surprise that couples with different love languages tend to feel they are drifting apart even if that is not the case. If at any point you have wondered, why am I bored in my marriage, it could be because your partner and you, each practice a different love language. While his love language could be physical touch and affirmations, your love language might be spending quality time. The mistake we make is treating a person according to our love language. Instead, learn to recognize your partner’s love language and understand the way they are showing you their love. Also, treat them the way they want to be treated.
9. Make a bucket list to stave off boredom in a relationship
If you feel your marriage is becoming stagnant and you are wondering what to do when your marriage is boring then making a bucket list is a way to go about it. Make a list of all the things your spouse and you have always wanted to do. And then go about checking things off the list. When a marriage lacks a certain spontaneity, it is our responsibility to add a little excitement to it. This new purpose of checking things off your list will give you both something to look forward to as you plan for the next item on your list. And sometimes that’s all a person needs, something to look forward to.
10. Seek counseling
Sometimes even with the best intentions in our hearts, we are unable to fix a given situation. Mostly because we don’t know how to. Sometimes we need to see things from a different perspective or point of view, which we are unable to do by ourselves. This is where the experts come in. The right counselor will have the expertise to help you figure out what you need to do and how best to work on your relationship. At the end of the day, all you want is to save the relationship and you want to give it your best shot. And if that means reaching out for some help through marriage counseling, well then, why not? Working with professional help from Bonobology.com counselors or a licensed therapist will give you a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings and understand your patterns of behavior. It will help you learn healthier coping mechanisms and help manage daily stressors even after you are done with counseling. The experts at Bonobology are just a click away. The biggest misconception most couples often develop over the years is thinking they know everything about their partner. But here’s the thing – people change, people grow. Believe me, the person who sits next to you is different from the boy/girl that you married 7 years ago, and being different doesn’t mean bad. They’ve grown in so many ways and so have you – it’s worth exploring, right?
