Relationships are one of the few things in life that become more difficult, the longer we are in them. You start noticing flaws in your previously perfect partner, his quirks are not adorable anymore and sometimes you even find yourself thinking ” What was I thinking?!” At such times it is very difficult to see your partner in a favourable light. In fact, at times it feels that love had left the building entirely. This is where love languages come into play, primarily the words of affirmation love language. It might seem unbelievable that mere positive affirmations work magic in relationships. Psychotherapist Dr Aman Bhonsle (PhD, PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy help us understand why affirming words play such an important role in making a relationship work.
What Are Words Of Affirmation — Know From The Expert
Words of affirmation are written or spoken words that uplift, empathize and show support to your partner. It is one of the five love languages which specify a certain way of giving and receiving love in a relationship. Among all the different love languages are concerned Dr. Bhonsle believes that words of affirmation are one of the most desirable ways of showing affection. “Quite like physical touch in the form of hugs, using positive affirmations relieves the nagging burden that human beings carry. From the time we are born until we are dead, we are constantly shaped and moulded by society. Very often people don’t know who they actually are. “Most people carry guilt and self-doubt because that’s how they have been made to feel. They believe themselves to be the problem. They believe they are not good enough for the people, society, or even the world. So when you speak words of affirmation to someone like that, it uplifts them and helps lighten this emotional baggage that they carry.” Furthermore, Dr. Bhonsle explains everyone is trying to make you palatable for their own journey. The desire to preserve yourself to outlast dubious circumstances is a primary instinct every human being has. By fortifying or adding, you are reminding them that they have been carrying this burden for too long now and that it is good to let it down sometimes.
Examples Of Words Of Affirmation
With more than 35 years of experience, Dr. Gary Chapman – a marriage counselor has heard it all. Chapman says, “Everyone I have counseled had a ‘love language,’ a primary way of expressing and receiving love. I also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.” Of all the five love languages, words of affirmation love language is the simplest yet the most important in a relationship. Below are a few examples of it. Fortunately in this matter, one size fits all.
- I love you
- You are so special to me
- You inspire me to….
- I really appreciate you when you do….
- I feel so loved when you…
- I am proud of you for always trying…
- Thank you for being a wonderful listener
- I hope you know how much you mean to me
- I love that I can be myself with you
- You’re so kind
- I love how well you understand me
- Thank you for being in my life
- I’m sorry I hurt you
- You’re such a good lover
- We make a great team
- I’m so lucky to be with you
- You look amazing!
- You make my heart sing
- I couldn’t do this without you
- I trust you
- I believe in you
- I need you
- You’re just perfect for me
- I love our life together
- You are doing a great job Related Reading: How To Say “I Love You” In 10 Different Languages?
What Are The Five Love Languages
Before we go deeper into understanding the significance of words of affirmation as a love language, let us take a quick glance at the different love languages. We all have different ways we express and expect love. And these ways are called love languages. For a relationship to sustain, it is important to know and understand your and your partner’s love languages. In his famous book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts, marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman has condensed his learning from his years of experience into five love languages.
Benefits Of Words Of Affirmation
Life is a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs. While most of the times we are able to come out of the bad times with just a few scratches and already on the mend, once in a while we don’t get so lucky. The low of life get to us and alter the way we perceive things around us, including ourselves. These negative thought have a major impact on our life and health. Words of affirmation( love language) helps us battle these negative thoughts and heal. We need to love ourselves. It is very important that we do so. But sometimes, when we are mentally in dark place, it is difficult to see any good in ourselves. We keep shinning the light on our flaws so much that they dim our prefections. In such times it helps to have someone else shed light on all that is good in you. The benefits of words of affirmation is such that, It helps you remember the part of you that you had lost along the way.
Signs Your Love Language Is Words Of Affirmation
If you or your partner value communication and words more than other gestures in your relationship, it is highly likely that your primary love language is words of affirmation. As we go further into this piece, we will help you understand how you can use this love language to add new colors to the canvas of your relationship. Here are some signs that will help you determine your primary love language:
Why Do Some People Need Words Of Affirmation
In modern relationships, primary love languages are an important aspect of showing your partner that you care for them. Especially with the growing distance between people due to the work pressures in people’s lives and distractions such as social media, using positive affirmations with one’s partner/spouse has become more vital than ever. Words of affirmation as a love language are essentially positive verbal confirmations of your emotions and feelings. To be precise, this particular form of love language uses loving and encouraging words as well as compliments, romantic quotes/poems, kind remarks, and appreciation. Using positive verbal communication to convey your feelings to your partner is known as one of the simpler yet healthier practices. And all it requires is more words.
How To Ask For More Words of Affirmation
It is very rare for two people in the relationship to have the same love language. Once you have figured out your love languages, the next step is make sure you receive or are shown love in your love language. If your love language is words of affirmation, then here are some ways you can receive more words of them.
1. Communicate your needs
No matter what kind of relationship you have, be it a husband-wife, parent-child, or siblings, it cannot sustain without communication. Lack of communication in a relationship can have dire effects. So, the next step after figuring out your love language is to communicate your needs to your partner. Be honest and open up about what you need in the relationship. Tell your partner that you would like them to use more words of love, kindness, appreciation and encouragement. Taking this first step will sort most of your problems.
2. Be grateful
When you receive compliment and appreciation from your partner or others, refrain from becoming cocky and saying things like ” Tell me something i already don’t know” Or “Obvious much!” While it is ok to joke around once in a while,showing conciet has a negative effect on people. It discourage them to use affirming words in future. Instead when a person is using words of positive affirmations, acknowledge them and thank them. Seeing your gratitude will encourage them to continue showering you with more words of affirmation in the future.
3. Talk about the love languages
Unfotunately there are a lot of people who are unaware of the different love languages. Talk to your partner about the 5 love languages and help them figure out theirs. This is will not only help them to understand your needs, but also become a little more self aware and will be able to communicate their own needs better. Knowing each other love languages helps build a stronger relationship. Tips On How to Speak This Love Language 10. You’re so kind 11. I love how well you understand me 12. Thank you for being in my life 13. I’m sorry I hurt you 14. You’re such a good lover 15. We make a great team 16. I’m so lucky to be with you 17. You look amazing! 18. You make my heart sing 19. I couldn’t do this without you 20. I trust you 21. I believe in you 22. I need you 23. You’re just perfect for me 24. I love our life together 25. You are doing a great job.
Tips On How to Speak This Love Language
“I go to work at around 11 am, while my husband goes to work at around 5 am. When I wake up, I find a sticky note next to my bedside which says, ‘You’re the best thing that has happened to me, I love you.’ This happens every morning and it just makes me feel loved and makes my day,” says Ashley (32), a chartered accountant. Where positive verbal communication is concerned, leaving a sweet note for your partner by the bedside, on the kitchen counter or in their office bag is one of the many ways affirmations can be expressed. In fact, it also works for people who have gift giving or acts of service as their primary love language. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Don’t hold back on affirmation of love with the people you genuinely care about. Express it while everyone is still healthy and alive and coherent in the way they think. Do it sooner rather than later, life is not endless, people die, fall ill, go to different countries, they go through a personal crisis. Like the Nike slogan says, “Just do it.” There is no “How?” when offering words of affirmation, it is only a matter of will you or won’t you. Verbal expression of love and appreciation is a psychological antiseptic to the pain and confusions of being human.” If your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation then you will have to find ways to communicate to them using positive verbal expression. We bring you a few tips on how to speak words of affirmation love language:
1. Be authentic
If your partner’s primary love language is words of love affirmation, then you have to make sure that the appreciations or encouragement you show is authentic. On the flip side if your partner has a nose for false platitudes and he feels you are faking your emotions, then you will further dent his self esteem. June and Jessica have a ritual of kissing each other every morning as they leave for work. They kiss, look each other in the eye while embracing each other, and say, “I love you, babe!” It’s cheesy, but making eye contact while expressing love speaks volumes and fortifies the sincerety of the emotions. For those few moments, there is just love and them, and nothing else.
2. Be empathetic
Being empathetic is very important, and conveying this empathy through verbal communication is equally important. If your partner is feeling low, then give them a little pep talk and tell them that you acknowledge their feelings and that you’re there for them. “I’m so sorry you are going through a difficult time at work. I love you and I am here for you” is one of the examples of pep talks that will become a source of their strength during a trying time.
3. Show your appreciation
We all need to hear words of appreciation, no matter what we do. In a relationship, it’s important that appreciation and validation is practised every day. Using positive words along with quality time will help your highly sensitive partner thrive and feel safe in the relationship. So, use positive words of affirmation love language as often as possible. Beth and Randal were having a pretty nasty fight about how Randal was never home and how Beth had to take up all the responsibility for the kids. Shots were being fired from both sides and the situation was escalating rapidly until Randal blurted out something unusual. In the heat of the moment, he said, “Beth you are a superhero with the way you manage everything, I am working on being more like you, but it’ll take time.” And just like that, he defused the whole situation. His words were not premeditated, but he spoke in the love language she understood. That is the power of affirming words.
4. Say “I love you” a lot
“My boyfriend says ‘I love you’ all the time. Initially, I used to find it tiring but now I have gotten used to it. It makes me feel loved now,” says Nichole (23) student. If your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation, then they too will never get tired of hearing ‘I love you.’ So make sure you keep dropping it every now and then. The more words of love(written words or spoken words), the happier they will be.
5. Mail them a letter
This one is my personal favorite. I know, I know! Who wants to write a letter when we can just send a text or email? Right?! But trust me nothing can make you feel as special as a handwritten love letter from your loved one. The fact that you took out time to write a love letter speaks volumes and will take your partner by surprise. The good kind. Harry was on a camping trip and was gonna be gone for a couple of weeks. Andy had been loathing this time as the absence of cell reception had made communication impossible. One morning he received a postcard from the mountains with the message being, “I wish you were here as I sit here by the cliff thinking of you, H”. Andy could only smile as it acted as a reassurance that his partner was thinking about him even when they were apart.
6. Post-it notes
Sticky notes are one of the best inventions, I must say, especially when you have affirmation of love on them. They become something you never want to get rid of. It always feels good to receive little love notes on post-it in your bedroom, kitchen, living room, study table, or even the bathroom mirror. Leaves you feeling appreciated While leaving little love notes on the bathroom mirror is an adorable idea. You can go the eco-friendly way and send little words of affirmation through text messages in the middle of the day. No matter which one of the 5 love languages your partner has, they will appreciate it nonetheless.
7. Give them a shout out
It’s important to appreciate each other’s success and achievements. Make sure to pay compliments to your partner in front of other people. Tell them how proud you are and that you appreciate using the right, positive words of love affirmation. Don’t overdo it and embarrass your partner though. Keep it plain and simple, which will touch your partner’s heart in many ways. It’s a great way to fill your partner’s love tank. It is not necessary to use grand gestures to give your partner a shout-out. You don’t need to write best selling books and dedicate it to them( though if you do that, more power to you). You could just write a short note of appreciation on the title page before gifting them a book from their favourite author. Or just compliment them on how amazing they look on your date night and appreciate their effort in getting dressed for you. It is always the little things that matter. If you are taking the time to read this, make a move now and put this into practice. It doesn’t hurt to support, compliment, appreciate and show gratitude and love verbally to your partner. The more you communicate, the more healthy and emotionally satisfying love relationships you will endure. And once you start to do it, don’t forget to applaud yourselves for embarking on the path of making words of affirmation your love language. This article has been updated in November 2022
