Don’t get us wrong, being in a long-term relationship is great. But if the last few gifts you got each other were things you can use around the house, you may need some work with bringing the love back in a relationship. Regardless of what your situation may be, we’re sure these 21 ways to fall back in love will help reignite the lost flame you yearn for. With the help of psychologist Priyanka Ahir (MA in clinical psychology), let’s take a look at what you can do to get things back to the way they once were.
How To Fall Back In Love — 21 Ways To Reignite The Spark
Remember the times when you were too afraid to fart in front of your partner? Now, as you walk into the bathroom to hand them toilet paper, you wonder when “sugar plum” and “honey boo” died. Netflix and chill now has a different meaning than it did when you two crazy kids first started dating. It’s like you’ve lost your individual personality, as known acquaintances now call you up to ask where your partner is (hey! — just call them instead!). Your idea of keeping the relationship exciting went from a trip to a tropical paradise to a trip to your favorite grocery store. Cuddling together has gone from being a cherished part of the day to having no idea what to do with your arms anymore. All jokes aside, how exactly do you reconnect and fall in love again? “For two people to fall back in love, the most important thing is to be able to fully trust a partner again and genuinely be interested in them. Trust begets respect, and for every relationship to thrive, the presence of these fundamentals is vital,” says Priyanka. If you’re firing blanks while trying to figure out how to fall back in love with your wife or your husband, we list out a few things that will get the ball rolling.
1. Keep your expectations sensible
You’re not going to be itching to hear your partner’s voice like you used to when you two started dating. It’s important for you to keep realistic expectations while trying to fall back in love with your partner. The type of love you feel changes over time, and it won’t be fair on either of you to expect the infatuation you had at the start, to come flying back. “Having a discussion about what each partner expects from the other and also what they were previously expecting from each other will do you both good. Put your experience to use and have an honest conversation about what you think your partner should be able to deliver,” says Priyanka.
2. Start as soon as you realize there’s something wrong
Don’t wait for the matchstick to set the whole house on fire, go ahead and nip it in the bud. When you realize things are going stale and your relationship could use some work, you need to promptly get to it. It’s easy to see how you’ll be hesitant to fall back in love with someone who hurt you, but if you’ve decided giving it another chance is what you want, you shouldn’t let it linger on in uncertainty. Don’t delay things by thinking about how much effort it’d take and how much you’d have to change. If you want to stay in a relationship, you’re going to have to work for it.
3. What does “falling back in love” mean to you and your partner?
Before you even set up on your journey to fall back in love with your husband/wife, ask yourself and them what exactly it even means to you. Do you both have different ideas of love? Do either of you expect things to go back to the way they were? Or do you now wish to pursue a different type of love? Before you work for it, make sure you both know what you want. Who knows, maybe the answer to all your problems is separate bathrooms?
4. Be curious about your partner
If your partner picks up a new skill or hobby, show your interest in the activity (even if you’re certain they’ll grow out of it in 2 weeks). Ask your partner to teach you something, or just ask thoughtful questions that will make them feel needed. It’s easy to take things your partner does for granted, but make sure you don’t let them feel like that’s the case. “When you’re curious about your partner and genuinely want to get to know them, it will give you a better idea of the way they think, the way they view the world, their likes and dislikes, and their perspective about others. The more you’re willing to notice who you’re really married to, the better you’ll be able to communicate with them,” says Priyanka. Especially when you’re trying to fall in love with someone who loves you, all you need to do is be interested in who they are. One day you’ll see again what made you fall for this person so madly.
5. Ask how your partner is doing
No, we don’t mean what they’re doing, ask them how they are. Ask them difficult questions like if they think you’re the best person for them at this time, or if they’re doing okay, or if something about the way your relationship is right now is bothering them. It’s important to check in on your partner, more often than you think. Forming a judgment-free channel of communication is vital.
6. Make sure you touch your partner
Physical touch is one of the best ways of showing affection towards your partner. A simple hug they weren’t expecting, a loving massage or a peck on the cheek will be a cute little way of showing your partner you care. Sadly, couples forget all about just kissing passionately once they’ve been together for a while. It may be time to bring that back. And yes, scratching that unreachable spot on your partner’s back counts as showing affection.
7. Ask yourself and your partner what went wrong
If you find yourself at a stage when you need to fall back in love again, ask yourself what could have possibly gone wrong. Looking inward will help you figure out why you reached this undesirable stage in your relationship and how to avoid it. Whether you’re trying to figure out how to fall back in love with your boyfriend or girlfriend, an honest conversation about what went wrong must take place. Grab those tissues; you just might need them.
8. Tell yourself what you love about your partner and tell them too
If you’ve asked yourself “How do I fall back in love with my wife?”, it’s as simple as telling yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Remember when you both couldn’t decide on who’s cuter? Now you can’t decide who looks older. Falling back in love with your partner could be as simple as telling your partner you love them and the qualities you love about them. When you tell him you love the way he fixes the lightbulb, maybe he’ll even fix the annoying leaking pipe he said he’ll get to…6 months ago.
9. Get to know yourself and spend some time alone
When looking to reconnect and fall in love again, you need to spend some time apart as well. Not only will the time away help make you miss your partner, but you’ll also get to know yourself better and maybe even find something new you like. When your partner gets the time to do that as well, overall satisfaction in the relationship will go up. When you like yourself, your partner will like you too. Moreover, when you’re trying to fall back in love with someone who hurt you, it’s vital to take some time away and figure out what you truly want. Can you commit to this relationship? Can you rebuild the trust? Questions like these can help you figure out what you want and they’re ones only you know the answer to.
10. Of course, get creative in bed
This probably doesn’t come as a surprise and you might have even tried it already. Forget your regular positions, try to make your partner orgasm without adopting the go-to strategies (no matter how long it takes). Try new sexual positions and if foreplay has died an unfortunate death in your relationship, make sure you revive it!
11. Resolve any withstanding issues you may have
Once life gets more stressful and work starts piling up, you tend to put fights on hold just to be able to function. Even if your partner has done you wrong, falling back in love after being hurt will be easier once you’ve cleared the air. The only way to get rid of your problems is by tackling them head-on, not by running away. “If you’re going to rekindle a romance and you know there are substantial issues in your dynamic, couples counseling can come to your aid. An unbiased and professional opinion will help you see what you’ve gone through, and you’ll also be able to tell what you can get from this relationship,” says Priyanka. “Our judgments can often be clouded by our past experiences. When we speak with a professional, we can figure out what’s really going wrong and what we can do about it,” she adds. If you’d like some professional guidance to help you figure out how to fall back in love with your wife or with your husband, Bonobology has a multitude of experienced counselors who’d love to help you through this obstacle.
12. Be honest about what you feel
While you’re trying to establish judgment-free channels of communication, you need to make sure it flows both ways. Tell your partner if anything is bothering you or if there’s just something your partner should know (now’s the time to tell her you exchanged that fancy mug she got you for a pair of shorts). This could also help you fall back in love in a long-distance relationship. Simple ways to improve communication will do wonders for you two.
13. Learn how your partner communicates love by observing them
Take time out from your day to just observe the things your partner does. When you know they’re in a good mood, notice how they do things differently and/or talk differently. Their love language may be as subtle as coyly calling you “stupid”. “Just by being accepting, you will be able to tell how your partner communicates love. When you’re truly open to the kind of person your partner is, their ideas, and their opinions, you’ll get to learn a lot more about them. Such observation is only possible through acceptance, and it will help you figure out how your partner communicates love,” says Priyanka. Getting to know how your partner communicates things will make it so much easier to figure out what they want and how they’re feeling, through which you’ll be able to form a deeper connection.
14. Go thrill-seeking
No, we don’t mean going to buy new furniture, you oldie. We mean actual thrills, like bungee jumping and skydiving. When you’re out chasing an adrenaline rush, your body releases oxytocin, which is called the love hormone, and dopamine, called the feel-good hormone. So if you’re trying to fall back in love with your boyfriend, help him get over his fear of heights by jumping off a helicopter. When you have new experiences with your partner like this, it’ll likely strengthen your bond and give you a story you’ll tell all your friends for the next 2 years.
15. Learn patience and stop comparing
Over time in a marriage, you may start to find things about your partner that annoy you. It’s important to realize that as you’ve both grown, you’ve also studied each other very well. Maybe a little too well. Don’t compare your partner with anyone else and love them for who they are. Especially when it comes to wanting to fall in love with someone who loves you, being patient in a relationship might be all you need. You’ll find yourself falling in love with the same person all over again.
16. Go out with your partner’s work friends
Little did you know your partner is the belle of the ball! When you see your partner through a lens different from your gaze as a spouse, you’ll unravel different personas they have and you’ll appreciate them more. Who knew your partner brags so much about you to his/her friends?
17. Employ a sleep divorce if need be
Are you trying to fall back in love with your boyfriend, who snores like there’s no tomorrow? Or maybe you’re trying to fall back in love with your girlfriend, who always hogs up all the blankets. A sleep divorce might just be your best friend. “You’re on my side of the bed!” arguments are extremely unnecessary. Sleeping on the same bed as your partner sometimes means you accept not sleeping in a comfortable position. Try to sleep on different beds every once in a while. It has a surprising number of benefits and maybe it’s just what your relationship needs to keep things fresh.
18. Find a reason to make a day special
Maybe it’s the anniversary of your first kiss, or even when you first realized you’re in love. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the thought behind it does — pick a day and turn it into something special. Go all-in with it, take them out for a fancy dinner, or surprise your partner with something they’ve wanted for a while (don’t get them something to use around the house!). The spontaneity will make your partner feel valued and is a great way to tell your partner you care.
19. There’s nothing sexier than getting the chores done
Once you two start living together, just getting the chores done feels like a herculean task. Give your partner the day off, tell them you’ll do all that needs to be done around the house. It’s the little things like this that add up and make a more wholesome and fulfilling relationship overall. When you perform kind acts without expecting anything in return, you know you’re going in the right direction. It sounds lame but hey, you’re also not 18 anymore.
20. Get back to the things you two used to do
Life gets in the way and years pass when you suddenly realize how long it’s been since you last went out and did that thing you both like to do together. Be it cooking a fancy meal together, discovering new spots in your city, or even just going on a hike (unless you two like to rent a movie together. Those stores don’t exist anymore). Fall back in love with the same person by taking a trip down memory lane and getting in on some of the activities you loved sharing with each other.
21. Schedule date nights
And not just date nights, we’d go as far as scheduling sex as well. Scheduling date nights not only means having a few nights for just the two of you, but it’s also a build up to something to look forward to. Our experts claim that scheduling something that is supposed to be spontaneous, like sex, can do miracles for your relationship. So go ahead and squeeze in a quickie post-work, pre-dinner. Getting the love back in a relationship can be as simple as kissing your partner like you mean it, or as grand as going all-in on a spontaneous day out. Just because you two talk to each other in the bathroom while one’s using the toilet and one’s showering doesn’t mean that love isn’t in the air! (Maybe use an air freshener first, though).
