You do what you do when he pulls away… You comfort yourself for a while, think of his return, and perhaps a bit of self-berating here and there. You were doing that ‘just fine’ until he came back! Now you’ve got your mind puzzled again, he came back after needing space. What do you exactly do this time? Put a wide smile on your face and open your arms wider, or frown enough to freeze him right in place? What exactly do when he comes back after ignoring you? We tend to lose the sense of worth and value when he pulls away. We start to get obsessed with the idea of him coming back, so much that once he comes back, we have no clue about our next move. We just wanted him back, but now that he came back for realsies, we’re confused a bit. Taking your time, taking it slow and easy, we’ve got a solution! Here are 9 important things to do when he comes back after pulling away:
1. Take your time to think about what’s best for you
On the one hand, you want to be high value, on the other hand, you want to yell your lungs out. Usually, there’s a rush of excitement mixed up with confusion once he comes back after pulling away from you. That rush of excitement and confusion can cause you to have a not-so-stable quality of thoughts. In other words, you’re more likely to think irrationally when you’re affected by overwhelming emotions. This is why one of the most rational decisions to make at the very first moment, it’s to take your time to calm down and think a little. Think about the situation, but avoid rushing into a decision no matter how light that decision might be. Once you notice yourself having a lighter weight of emotions and excitement, then you can start thinking about the situation a bit more in-depth, and finally make a decision. You’re a whole lot more likely to make rational decisions and have a higher quality of thinking when you’re calm rather than when you’re emotionally overwhelmed.
2. Respond and talk to him
After attaining a calm approach to the situation, it’ll be time for you to talk to him, or respond to him. This can be a little tricky. How does one even talk to a partner who just pulled away out of nowhere? Well, there are a few things and steps to consider when responding to or addressing this issue:
Ask him the questions he left in your head; Why did he pull away?Use more of “I feel like” rather than “You did this or that”Tell him how his behavior made you feel;Be honest, polite, and considerate of his feelings as well;Listen and be open to what he has to say about this;Let him know that you’re willing to listen and understand why he pulled away without any judgment;
3. Let him know where you draw your boundaries
Having boundaries is often a critical factor when it comes to dealing with a partner that shows unstable behavior during the initial stages of a relationship. Before you let him know where you draw your boundaries, it’s important that you have that clear for yourself as well. Pulling away can be acceptable in some situations, and it is often okay if the one who pulls away lets the other know about the reasons. Since he came back after pulling away, this is the time to let him know where your boundaries are. This means explaining,
What is acceptable to you and what is not;What you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re not;What is hurtful to you and what kind of hurt you’re unwilling to tolerate;
If this means that another all-of-a-sudden pull-away without a warning is not acceptable to you, then let him know. You respect him and his effort in the relationship, but that is where your draw your boundaries because you respect yourself as well.
4. Avoid accusations
If what you want from the relationship is finding a common ground on which you reach understanding and acceptance for one another, then avoid accusations. Since you’re likely to still be unaware of the reasons why he pulled away, you want to leave that part to him to explain. For him to feel comfortable explaining with honesty, you’ll have to avoid accusing him. Accusing him can make him feel the need to defend himself. In most cases, a highly defensive approach to the situation can lead to a highly unpleasant argument. The focus will be on defending your egos instead of coming together as a couple to solve this issue within the relationship. So, keep your approach welcoming, avoid accusations, and listen to what he has to say. Navigating such situations within romantic relationships can be very puzzling and difficult.As you’re trying to learn the ways of healthy communication, you might feel like your partner isn’t on the same page as you.Feeling the need to accuse him can often come normally and organically in such situations.A third, clear, and pragmatic perspective can tremendously shift your view of this situation.
5. Be open to hearing what he has to say
When you’re left wondering what happened with no explanation whatsoever, it’s normal to think and create scenarios that make sense. However, when he comes back after pulling away, you want to leave those thoughts and created scenarios aside. Those imagined scenarios and thoughts on why he pulled away served you enough to comfort you when you had no idea why he left. Their mission is complete, they’ve done their job well. Now it’s time to hear from him with an open and unbiased mind as to why he pulled away. This is where you don’t want to interrupt him. This is where you listen and observe. This way you’ll be able to have a clearer vision of,
Understanding why he did what he did;Reading his body language and seeing whether he’s lying or being honest;Hearing him and his needs as a partner;The reasons why he felt the need to pull away and how reasonable they are;His approach towards you, his actions, and the effects that his actions had on you;
Listening to him will allow you to have a clearer idea of why and how things happened the way they did. This way, you’ll have a pragmatic approach to the entirety of the situation, making it easier for you to judge whether his action was/is reasonable or not.
6. Think of whether you’re willing to accept him as he is
This journey hasn’t been easy as it was already. However, in this part comes the hard work. This is the part where you’ll think everything through, and see where you’re personally standing. Entering a relationship with the idea that your partner will eventually change is not going to result in a happy or fulfilling relationship for either of you. This is the part where you evaluate the situation and think of him as a partner. Are you willing to accept him as he is? Even if that means that his capricious moods will be a chaotic constant for the relationship? Take the time you need and avoid continuing to be in the relationship with the thought that he’ll eventually change.
7. Don’t do anything off the charts to prevent him from pulling away again
When he comes back after pulling away, there’s a tendency to do more things to make him not pull away again. Resist that urge, and stay true to yourself. When he pulls away and comes back, you’re left not knowing how to act. Here’s how you act when he pulls away and comes back! – Ask yourself how you’re feeling about this, before you decide to be nicer to him, to please him more than you did before. You can put effort into keeping him interested, but he has to do the same thing as well. He has to redeem his place in your life again. – Resist the urge to impress him, or to “make him stay this time”. Stick to yourself, do what makes you happy, and don’t go out of your way to please him. – Don’t get cold with him with the thought that he’ll get a lesson from your cold behavior. Again, stay true to yourself. Avoid acting like something or someone that you’re not. If you’re happy that he’s back don’t hide it. If he’s genuine he won’t take advantage of that, if his intentions aren’t well, he’ll show himself eventually.
8. Do what makes you happy in the long-term
If his presence in your life has caused you to feel troubled, then it’s best that you stay away from him. If his return made you a happier person in the long term, then welcome him back with arms wide open. However, if he’s a source of pain, tears, and sadness for you, then you’re not obligated to accept him back just because he felt like coming back. If he really loves you, he’ll stay for good, he won’t do to hurt you; Think about this, and do what’s healthy for you.
9. Come to a healthy decision
Do you want to stay with him or not? If yes, does he truly deserve a place in your life? It’s helpful to consider his behavior before you make a decision on whether you want to continue having a relationship with him. If he pulls away from you too often, and it’s starting to become a pattern of his behavior (it’s what narcissists often do), then you should reconsider your decision this time. If you know the reasons behind his behavior try to weigh them and find a balance to determine whether his behavior is healthy or toxic. Have some time to yourself, and think about it. If you’re willing to give this another chance that’s totally okay. However, if this is something that will hurt you, and stop you from improving/healing, then it’s not a good idea to give him another chance.
What to say when he comes back after pulling away? 5 texts: Confront him, or have your arms wide open for him?
What you say to him depends on the reasons he pulled away and whether you were aware of those reasons. If you came to a conclusion for a bit of space together as a couple, then your response to his return can be more welcoming. On the other hand, if you were left waiting without a clue what’s going on, we’ve got to craft a different response than plain wide open arms for him. So, how to respond when he comes back? Here are 5 texts that’ll give you an idea of what to say when he comes back after pulling away:
“I don’t mean to push you or put pressure on you, but I’m having a difficult understanding as to why you pulled away. Would you mind helping me out a bit on this… What made you pull away?”
“I know that space is often necessary for our wellbeing, but I’m not really sure why you pulled away all of a sudden. I’d like to talk about it whenever you’re ready to.”
“I feel a bit puzzled by your behavior. I want to understand you and your reasons. I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to talk about it.”
“This type of behavior isn’t healthy for me, and it hurts. But, I’m willing to listen and see if we can find a middle ground.”
“I’m so glad we solved this! I think this space helped us both to clarify where we’re at within the relationship. What do you think?”
Choose what fits you best. Write or say more “I” than “You”. This way you avoid having an accusing tone to your sentences. Express your willingness to talk about it, but also let him know of the way that his behavior affected you. You’ve got this! Callisto
