This means expecting your spouse to not cross the lines of fidelity and become involved with another person. So, if there is a woman who has your husband’s attention, your feelings of jealousy and restlessness are totally justified. But being close to another woman doesn’t necessarily equal disloyalty. You cannot lead with the presumption that they’re romantically involved or he’s having an emotional affair. Ashley says, “My husband refuses to stop talking to other women. He keeps saying that it’s regarding the new project he is taking up. I have tried to be extremely patient for months. But to see him go out with her even on weekends or sneaking out of the room to pick up calls is getting more difficult with each passing day. I would hate to transform into one of those suspicious women who stalk their husbands but he is leaving me with no choice. I really wish to know how to get your husband to stop talking to another woman.” Ashley is on the verge of snapping at her husband any moment now while he may be genuinely networking to upscale his business. A minor misjudgment on her part can shatter the foundation of their marriage. On the other hand, we cannot entirely give him the benefit of the doubt not knowing what he is up to. If you’re in a similar situation, it is important to handle things delicately even if your husband confides in another woman or has developed a deep connection with her.
12 Things To Do When Your Husband Is Talking To Another Woman
No matter how harmless their association, the presence of another woman in your husband’s life can have lasting repercussions on your marriage. A recent study lists suspicion or lack of trust as one of the four leading factors behind divorce. Given that up to 50% of marriages in the US can end in divorce, it is vital that you approach this situation calmly and not blow the issue out of proportion. When your husband is talking to another woman in front of you or keeping you in the loop about meeting her, there is a good chance that you have nothing to worry about. The fact that they are not sneaking behind your back is a reassurance that the relationship is platonic. This is to not discredit your feelings in any way. When your husband confides in another woman, your feelings of jealousy or insecurity are justified because, in a marriage, spouses are expected to be each other’s go-to person for all their needs. The fact that your husband has given a part of that role to someone else is bound to be disconcerting. That being said, we are here to help you handle the situation with the sensitivity it warrants. Here are 12 things to do when your husband is talking to another woman:
1. Learn as much as you can about this other woman
Whether it’s the case of your married man texting another woman or going out to meet her in person, find out all you can about her. If it’s someone you already know – an old friend of your husband’s, a colleague, your friend, a friend’s wife – try to get to know her better by talking to her directly or asking around (but subtly). If you do not know her at all, the best approach is to ask your husband about her directly. While you’re at it, pay close attention to how he reacts. It’ll address your doubts about whether your husband has feelings for another woman. He’ll be comfortable answering your questions if he has nothing to hide. If his jaw tightens up and his face turns pale or if he loses his temper and lashes out at you, it could be one of the signs your husband has a crush on another woman. Edith, a homemaker in her late 30s, shares with us, “Not knowing why my husband pursued another woman kept me awake for many nights. Finally, as I confronted him, he told me a story about running into an old batchmate recently. He tried to convince me that it was harmless and nothing but two friends catching up. But his countenance said something else. He could barely look into my eyes. Being cornered by my queries, he had to admit that he went on a few dates with this woman. We are trying to recover from this setback but it’s very hard since he is still in two minds.”
2. Try to see things from his perspective
No, we’re not saying “men will be men” and so you have to just put up with it when your husband is talking to another woman. The point is that women have what is commonly referred to as a “sixth sense”. They can just sense when something is amiss even if they’re not able to pin down the exact reason behind it. It’s something that men categorically lack. The possibility that the other woman your husband is talking to may have feelings for him and he is completely oblivious of it is very real. So, before you start doubting him or accusing him of being unfaithful to you, take this into account. He may see your reaction as totally unjustified because from his perspective he is just talking to a friend. Maya could see that her fiancé’s childhood best friend clearly had feelings for him. However, he just didn’t seem to catch the signs despite her territorial attitude toward Maya. Even after they got married, the friendship continued and Maya began wrestling with the question: What to do when your husband is talking to another woman? It was only when she started making frantic calls demanding that she needed him by her side because she was feeling lonely and distraught on their first wedding anniversary that Maya’s husband began to see the writing on the wall. Now that he had warmed up to the idea, Maya began bringing his attention to other tell-tale signs that his best friend was in love with him. Together, they were able to tide over this stumbling block in the relationship.
3. Understand the context of the conversation
“My husband is nicer to the other woman.” This thought can leave you with a pit in your stomach. However, before you let the monster of insecurity consume you, make an effort to understand the dynamics of their equation. Is it a colleague that your husband texts or talks to on the phone often? Removing gender dynamics from the equation and seeing them as two coworkers indulging in some healthy banter can be helpful. Perhaps, they work closely together in the office and that has led them to develop a rapport. Your husband may confide in another woman because she gets the work-related references better than you can. If that’s the case, you have to rein in your fears about losing him to her. Instead, focus on ways to improve communication in your marriage, so that you share even those aspects of your life that you or your spouse are not actively involved in. Let’s hear it from Dorothy about how indulging in open dialogues improved their relationship and that too after 20 years of their marriage. She says, “When your man gives another woman attention, the green-eyed monster grasps all logic and reasons and an uncontrollable rage takes the place of the other emotions. Our professional areas are poles apart, as I am a teacher and my husband works in construction. I never took much interest in the technicalities of his job. So, when he started meeting a young engineer three times a week in the name of site visits, I felt threatened. After a series of ugly fights, we got into a heart-to-heart, and he made me realize I am still “the one” for him. In a way, we came out stronger going through this little episode of misunderstanding.”
4. Don’t blame yourself
When your husband is nicer to another woman or gives her more attention than he does to you, it is bound to leave you grappling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. You might spend hours on end finding flaws in yourself. So, you must keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault. Please remember, irrespective of the nature and depth of their connection, you’re not to blame for any of it. Even so, there is always scope to make your relationship with your husband more balanced and healthy. Instead of wallowing in self-deprecating thoughts like “My husband talks to other women online. I am sure it’s because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore”, focus on improving your relationship with him. When your husband confides in another woman or you feel that he treats her on par with you, introspect about what’s lacking in your relationship. Then, work on fostering those elements and bridging the gaps. Perhaps, he shares with her a camaraderie and friendship that’s lacking in your equation. So, work on becoming your husband’s friend. Don’t do it with the objective of pushing the other woman out of the picture but because you genuinely want to build a wholesome relationship. You cannot control anything beyond that, so let the chips fall where they may. When your bond with your husband is rock solid, we can assure you they will fall in your favor.
5. Get to the bottom of the situation
If you cannot help but see the signs your husband has a crush on another woman or feel like his association with this woman is threatening your marriage, try to get to the bottom of things. You are saying, “My husband refuses to stop talking to other women.” Well, if he is that adamant to keep in touch with one or multiple female companions (even after knowing it’s making you miserable), something is fishy about the whole situation. If your husband is talking to another woman, you should be able to see the bigger picture. And for that, you need clarity on who she is, how your husband came in contact with her, how often they talk, and about what. This understanding will either help assuage your concerns or make you understand the gravity of the situation. If you discover that they share a genuine friendship, it will help put your mind at ease. On the other hand, if you find out that there are, in fact, deeper feelings at play, you will be in a better position to address the problem pragmatically. It’s not something you can wish away by being in denial.
6. Don’t lead with accusations
Hannah discovered that her husband, Stewart, spoke to another woman regularly. She chanced upon a chat and later found it deleted. When she confronted him, he denied having any such woman in his life. “My husband lied about talking to another woman. He must be cheating on me,” Hannah was unable to shake that thought. Since he wasn’t forthcoming, this led to a host of problems in their marriage. A year later, she found out that her husband was, in fact, in touch with his ex. But it was to help her get out of her abusive marriage. Even though Stewart hadn’t cheated on Hannah, the trust between them had taken a hit and things were never quite the same again. To avoid such eventualities, it’s imperative that when you talk to your husband about this other woman that he is getting close to, you must approach the matter sensitively. Don’t start hurling accusations of cheating. It will only alienate him. Besides, if he does not have any romantic feelings or emotional attachment toward this woman, you risk hurting him immensely in the process. This can sow the seeds of mistrust in your marriage. So, tread carefully to make sure you do not end up doing more harm than good.
7. Tell your husband how you feel
What to do when your husband is texting another woman and you’re uncomfortable with it? Now that you’re addressing the issue head-on, tell your husband that his connection with another woman makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, jealous or whatever else it is that you’re feeling. How to get your husband to stop talking to another woman? If this is where you are stuck, take a step ahead to resolve the issue by facing your true emotions. It is okay to be vulnerable in front of the man you love so dearly and have chosen as your partner for life. If there is nothing cooking between them and your husband sees how deeply affected you’re by it all, he may take a step back on his own.
8. Take the wait and watch approach
After you’ve had the talk, don’t expect a miracle to happen overnight. When your husband confides in another woman, he likely values her as a friend or confidante. He may not be able to snap that chord instantly. You should neither expect nor pressure him to. Be patient, and give him the time to come around. If he stops talking to her owing to pressure from you, he may start resenting you for it. That resentment can open the floodgates for a host of other marital issues.
9. Ask to be involved
If your married man is texting another woman or meeting her regularly, she must have an important place in his life. As his life partner, it is absolutely justified for you to want to build a connection with someone so important to him. “I could go on and on about why my husband pursued another woman. But I refused to play the victim card and took charge to prove my suspicions wrong,” says Eva. If your husband is talking to another woman, you could do the same and suggest meeting her some time. Float the idea of inviting this woman home for drinks or going out for dinner together. If your husband has nothing to hide, he should be on board with it. If this suggestion makes him uncomfortable, you can read into it as one of the signs your husband has a crush on another woman. In case your husband agrees to introduce you to her or is open to the idea of you socializing with her, leave the jealousy and insecurity at the door and make an earnest attempt to establish a rapport with her. And if he dismisses your suggestion outright, it’s time you have a serious conversation about this woman’s place in his life.
10. Give him a chance to explain
What to do when your husband is talking to another woman? Well, one thing you shouldn’t do at any cost is make up your own opinions about their equation without hearing your husband out. We are not here to rationalize or justify the fact that your husband talks to other women online or in real life. But at least try to find out what pushed him to seek attention and comfort in a woman who is not his wife. No matter how convinced you’re of the fact that your husband’s connection with this other woman signals emotional cheating, if not a full-blown affair, give him a chance to tell you his side of the story. When he does, hear him out without judgment or prejudice. Try your best to not lose your temper or get into an argument. You have a problem at hand, and the objective should be to find a solution to this problem and not complicate it further.
11. Explore the chinks in your marriage
If your husband confides in another woman, there is no denying the fact that there are some chinks and cracks in your marital bond. That is why another person found a way into your equation. While it is easy to indulge in blame games and be infuriated by this development, what you really need to do is focus on the underlying issues in your marriage. Have you drifted apart over time? Are these some unresolved feelings of hurt or anger looming over your marriage? Is there an issue of intimacy or lack of understanding at play here? You have to look within to weed out this external problem threatening your marriage. Perhaps these issues are in need of quick fixing more than the fact that your husband is talking to another woman.
12. Go into therapy
When your man gives another woman attention, it can cause you both to become alienated. This, coupled with any underlying issues, can be detrimental to your future together. To save your marriage, consider going into couples therapy. A trained professional can help you navigate your issues a lot more effectively than you can on your own. If you are considering this recourse but don’t know how to get started, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. The presence of another woman in your husband’s life may or may not be alarming. Explore all the different facets of their connection, keep calm and approach the problem as pragmatically as possible. With a little maturity and sensitivity, you can emerge from it unscathed as a couple.
